Let It Go: Unmet Expectations, Control, Worrying

Sometimes I need to write those "AHA" moments down. This one is very personal and totally real. I felt like this was a break through for me and I want to remember it. Nothing is as cut and dry as it may sound. Writing this down helps me to be more introspective and is a good start for me.

A couple of weeks ago Andrew and I had yet another talk about how I can be such a grinch and seem so unhappy at times. This isn't all of the time of course. More recently this has happened because we are making lots of plans and preparations for moving and changing our lifestyle. Sometimes I get hyper focused on accomplishing things and get overwhelmed by doing things I don't want to do. This in turn makes me negative. I sat there thinking about how I can change because I hate feeling that way and being that way around my family. I prayed so hard for the millionth time about this and I finally had a revelation! I have a very hard time pinpointing my feelings and what has caused them so I finally felt clarity in this realm.

 I realized that I felt like I had to be the serious, get things done person in the marriage and took on all of the burdens and worries about how to make life just right, while Andrew gets to makes sweet art all day. I felt resentful about that and also about having a better brain for logistics and organization than Andrew, and therefore feeling the need to deal with all of the responsibilities to maintain life. I felt like I couldn't share any of the burden of stay-at-home-wifehood. There was such a distinct separation of responsibilities and I wasn't sharing any of them. If I ask Andrew to do something then that takes away from time he could be working and when I am capable of doing a task myself it shouldn't matter that I don't want to do it, I should because I have the time and it has to get done.

 I don't go out and have fun with friends (I guess you have to have friends that would go out with you first of all), I don't take time for myself and I don't usually like to spend money on fun stuff. I usually say yes to something because I can do it even though it would be inconvenient or hard for me and make me sad to do it. I feel that I just have to toughen up and get through something because I have to be strong. I am the type of woman that has already thought of everything and has dinner on the table exactly at 6 so that Colin can take a bath by 6:22 and be getting ready for bed by 6:45. Before going to bed, all the dishes are done, toys are away and my oats are soaking for my morning breakfast. I am constantly checking on Andrew to make sure he has remembered to do this and that. I felt that I had to always be thinking responsibly and efficiently or something might slip through the cracks. I am wound up so tight about everything. I can be so cold sometimes. Don't worry, I'm not like this all of the time and I do smile and laugh and play but just not as much as we feel I should. I want to strive to be able to find joy in every single moment of my life. The point is that I am pretty much constantly worrying and preparing because I feel it is my duty to make everything happen the right way. This makes it harder for my brain to turn off robot-mode and focus on being warm and loving to my family during every day events. Yes, we have named it robot-mode so that we can label it when I get that way.

This is what I believed and not what Andrew wanted me to ever feel. These were expectations I set for myself. Maybe this is shocking when I am such a natural, open-minded person who is married to a rebellious artist. You may think that the free-spirited lifestyle we have hasn't always been accompanied with a "whatever, man" mentality from me. Unfortunately, I don't let loose very easily. Funny enough, I long to be like that. Andrew is great at it. That's why we are great for each other.

So this "AHA" moment came right after I had to rush to get the diapers in the wash so that they would all be dry on time and get the chicken started so that it would be ready on time. As I was doing this, Colin spilled a water bottle all over my cardboard farm set and had made quite a mess. I was not in a position to welcome yet another thing to clean up as you can imagine. I saw the mess, stopped, and realized that it didn't matter. No one cares (Andrew certainly doesn't care) if it stays there except for me so I just let the responsibility to clean it up go. The clarity just came rolling in after that. Colin continued to make a mess in the house while we played and had a 2 hour dance party. I fed him a peanut butter and honey sandwich on sourdough spelt bread (a treat) instead of taking 15 minutes to prepare our usual lunch of salad. When Andrew got home, I really wanted to talk to him and be alone with him but usually I feel that I have to always be aware of what Colin is doing. I locked us in our room for like 20 minutes and had one-on-one time with my husband, while the baby was awake and playing! I never just give myself freedom to do something for myself like that during the day. I am always thinking of my family members needs.

Andrew is happy to share responsibilities and wants to lighten my load. He is willing to clean things up around the house and take on some of the things I don't want to. I don't have to do everything by myself. I knew those things but I didn't really allow myself to share the load.  It helps me to just hear from Andrew that he doesn't need me to do everything as perfectly as I think I should. Knowing that his expectations were not nearly as high as mine, helped me let go a little more. I am still trying to change myself for the better but I see this as a great turning point for me. Andrew starting to freelance gives me more support during the day which is an awesome change as well. I realized that this travel stuff and transition to this new lifestyle didn't have to go perfectly and whatever happens, I can deal with it when it happens. I felt free and happy for the first time in a really long time.

I have started to let go of worrying so much about being efficient and perfect. I, like I'm sure many other people, have really high expectations for myself. Frankly, I am really smart, organized and capable of doing everything really well. That is a lot of pressure to live up to. When expectations and potential are unmet, that is when I find that I become the most unhappy. Lowering the expectations that I have created for myself and just taking a breather and telling myself that it really doesn't matter to the outside world or my family, has really helped me have a happier perspective on life. It has also helped me pay more attention to my relationship with my family. I am trying to have more fun instead of letting all of the responsibilities burden me and turn me into a curmudgeon. I get caught up in doing and preparing so much that I forget to relax and play with the people I am doing this for. Doing things you don't really want to do on a daily basis (responsible mom stuff) can be a downer but I can choose how I react to things. I am trying to tell myself that I don't have to control everything and that I can choose to be happy about every part of life. I am reminded of the commandment to endure it well and act for ourselves.

 Let's be honest, I have an incredible life and somehow I still find things to complain about. I have been living with the mentality of "When this happens, then I will be happy." Ahhhhhh, I hate doing that and I have been trying to focus on living in the present, not waiting for future plans to make everything perfect. Perfection will never happen! As I let go of that need to control and worry and plan for things that haven't even happened yet, I am freeing myself to have more fun and joy in my life. I need to be better at not letting unmet expectations get me down and I am so grateful that this epiphany came to me recently because I really feel like I am more ready to embrace this change in lifestyle of slow travel which will be full of twists and turns.