Monday, June 22- We spent FHE with Stacie and Seth at their soon to be married apt. We had a great lesson about how to be good mothers and fathers and the activity was making pop up cards for each other. Andrew made a crazy bloody biting shark pop up card and mine was a dolphin and sailboat called the S.S. I Freaking Love You. We also watched Dexter's Lab and then did french homework. Helping him learn french is really fun and he does a great job with the accent. Learning french is hard and it is impressive that he is that dedicated to learning it.
Tuesday, June 23- It was another very emotional day but even more intense. We went to devotional and then ended up doing some things separately. There was a wierd vibe between us because Andrew wouldn't look me in the eyes or even really acknowledge my presence. I wanted to leave so many times but I knew something was wrong and I didn't want to run away from him. Finally he broke down and talked to me about something that was weighing down on his mind that had to do with us. He was frustrated by certain things pertaining to PDA and brought his perspective to things. He helped me realize that the way we treat each other and the time we spend together is more important than making other people around us feel comfortable. I'm just sometimes wierd with affection and acted strangely with him earlier in the day. I tend to cry when I realize I could do better, or if I hurt someone's feelings on accident, and when emotions and serious issues arise. This discussion led to a deep part of Andrew's personality that he hasn't learned to deal with and he hates about himself. I know that he thinks about things a lot (which is great because he makes really good observations and notices things about peoples' behavior unlike anyone I know), but he things way more than the average person and needs to share all his thoughts and feelings because they are continually mulled over in his mind and cause him to close off and turn away from people so that he doesn't burden them. I can't say that I completely understand his mind and how this affects him but he tried to explain it. I let him share his fear about burdeing his wife with this part of his personality because it can be intense and his worries are very nit picky. Being emotionally hypersensitive and observant of every behavior and analyzing what it means and worrying about it is very hard for him to handle in himself. I was flooded with emotions and unable to really respond or offer a solution. I was scared and saddened by some of the things he said like he thinks I would be happier marrying someone else who isn't like that. I just held him as he cried and I cried and just offered support and comfort. After a debriefing and a summary of my feelings about what just happened, I told him that he has to be a therapist because maybe this part of his personality will help him in that way. He could really help people understand themselves since he can discern people pretty well and loves talking and listening so that he can help them figure out their lives through his emotional wisdom. This will probably never go away so we have to learn how to contain it and how it can play a healthy part in our relationship. Honestly, this was all probably a culmination of stress from the big life decision he will be making to marrying me and it will probably become less intense as this intense pre-marriage part of our lives is over. According to him, this is his deepest secret and he wanted to make sure I was aware of it because it scares him to think of marrying someone when this is part of what he offers. I told him that he has so much more to offer that outweighs any trouble he thinks this may cause. If this is the worst about him, I can defintely deal with that. I 'm glad that God made me so in love with him and understanding and willing to listen because that is what he needs. I'm not going to lie, I was scared and shaken by some of the things he said but we talked it out and settled our doubts and fears about this. I prayed to know if I can be the type of wife that can handle this or help our relationship find a good balance and place for it. God reminded me in my self doubt that I am extraordinary and love him so much that I can be the perfect helpmeat to him and that I am capable of more than I think I am. I'm so glad that he felt comfortable enough to share something about himself that scares him and is a weakness in his eyes. I reminded him that we are ready to slay anything that tries to break us down. He is slowly becoming more completely comfortable with the idea of marriage as we work through whatever issues that God needs us to learn from or that Satan pushes on him to cause him to doubt his answer from God that we need to marry each other soon. We can be so incredible together and Satan knows that and tries to knock down Andrew's security in himself and his capabilities. His greatest fears are different from most men's and unlike some other men, he understands them and tries to face them which can be concerning to him. His mind works differently and God decided that I could handle this as my first relationship and only. I am being taken on a crazy emotional ride and God is teaching me so much about myself and what a marriage is like. I feel like Andrew is my emotions/relationship guru because I find all of his observations and insight to be so wise and profound. Relationships can get so complicated but as I said before, no complication could push me away or break us down. I am committed to him and he is committed to me. How wonderful!
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